Are You Being Abused, or Are You Vying With a Man for Dominance

Lovely Sexy Beauty has recently posted a list of behaviors her man* is displaying in their relationship, and that apparently OTHER men in the past have displayed towards her, and I quote: 

  • Displaying extreme anger via shouting, cuss words (which I don’t use nor do I like), and Mel Gibson-style storming around
  • Blaming me for things out of my control (e.g., things my parents or friends do)
  • Insulting me in terms of how I look, my age
  • Making threats of leaving the relationship if I don’t change
  • Of course she is being told these behaviors are “red flags” of abuse in the comments and being unequivocally supported in the comments and as ALWAYS is not ONCE asked what behaviors SHE might be engaging in to cause these behaviors to come to the fore in MORE than one man.  

    When a man behaves this way it is because YOU are vying with him for dominance.  When a woman does this with a dominant man, she becomes like unto a man to him–she ceases to be the sweet feminine thing he wants to guard and protect and becomes a FOE.  What kind of FACES are you making at your man when you fight?  

     

    Most likely when you fight, you are making yourself a MAN to him.  You are making UGLY faces at him, and what is it that makes a woman “ugly”?  Resembling a man. 

     Have you ever stopped to consider this?  Are you making direct eye contact and trying to stare him down while simultaneously making yourself look like a man? Are you belittling him?  Expressing disappointment or even worse, hinting at his insignificance?  Those are what’s called between men “FIGHTING words” and when MEN use them with each other, someone’s gonna get hurt. 

    Of course, not all men are like this because not all men are particularly dominant.  Some men have a much higher tolerance of female dominance displays and others are downright submissive. But if this is happening to you repeatedly, check your premises–the common denominator is YOU. 

    *note: I do not know lovelysexybeauty and am merely using her post as a springboard to discuss dominance–no intent to begin any manner of blog war is implied by drawing notice to her post

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    24 Responses to Are You Being Abused, or Are You Vying With a Man for Dominance

    1. Brit says:

      Ok, so after reading LSB’s observations, I was NOT surprised to hear her end it with “I put this situation in God’s hands; He may do as he sees fit, and let its destiny unfold as it should.”…..BS, BS, BS. This finale and her previous comments about being “done with male anger” reveal the lack of personal responsibility and maturity that most women I hear on the subject possess. Women seem to want to be “Stand’s With a Fist” these days, like they are mustering courage or something. “As God is my witness….. BLAH”
      From my own personal experience, I have learned that every situation I have ever been in, perceived pleasantly or not, has been of my own making. Somewhere, somehow, I made a choice about it, whether the foresight was there or not. (try me folks, I even apply this method of understanding to the time I was “raped”.) This specific example shows that the writer recognizes a pattern in her life….but stops at that. She doesn’t go on to say, “I want to understand this about myself”, she just decides to be done with “Male Anger”, w/e that is. What would happen in her life, in her personal arsenal of experience, if she were to go just one step further and examine EVERY STEP she took on the path to this outcome? If she were to look specifically at her actions, only? She might still decide that the combination of her and this guy is a bad fit, but maybe it would be for “real” reasons. Or maybe even, she would decide she was more of a catalyst than she previously would admit too.

      Posturing yourself to “win” with your man is the direct opposite of your natural role. Women don’t seem to understand that the reactions or results they are getting these days are based in role play. What is a woman’s role, what is a man’s? More specifically, what is the male animal’s role and what is the female animal’s role.

      Thanks D

    2. PA says:

      The mannish style of arguing is very, very slap-provoking. When a feminine woman argues, it’s more pouty and in an extreme case, hysterical. But what you are describing is dead-on: a woman who argues like that turns into a man, and that alone triggers her boyfriend,s fight responses. I had a girlfriend years ago do that shit with me: tight snout jutting forward, arms akimbo, and a withering, contemptuous look in her eyes and hard, superior words, like she’s ordering a servant around. I REALLY felt a nearly irresistable urge to punch her, though I kept my composure.

      This is very evident in sitcoms. Rachel in “Friends” was a bit like that. The shrew wives in “Raymond” and “King of Queens.” And most ignominously, Charlie’s girlfriends in “Two and a Half Men.”

      It’s amazing, in a bad way, that these are models for American wife, girlfriend, lover.

    3. gunslingergregi says:

      It is what happens when woman really think at a base level they are equal to men. This shit don’t happen in countries where they both have to do the same work where there are no safety nets because the woman know they are not equal to men period. There is no imagination they could use to make it so.
      I hate religion it is full of shit.
      Woman in west are coddled in every way that defies the imagination and have no responsiblility for anything and yet are constantly told they are equal. Yea they could almost be equal if they had equal responsibility as men and were not coddled from cradle to grave.

    4. gunslingergregi says:

      Yea when a man provokes you to fight and you do no big deal. The guy knows what he did and usually after cool.
      Woman are doing same shit but then if you actually beat them they be like wait a sec I am a woman not a man.
      How could you beat a woman?
      Well
      How could you act like a man?
      lol yea funny shit.
      So many fucked up chicks in america it ain’t even funny.

    5. gunslingergregi says:

      Like my sister used to yell at her husband literally all fucking day.
      I was like you can’t fucking treat a man like that every day and not at some point expect him to explode and fuck you up.
      Either seperate or quit fucking doing it.
      Talk to him for christ sakes.
      She was yelling at him about not making enough money and shit even though she was making fat loot.
      Yelling about the cable bill or some other bullshit thing that didn’t matter at all in the scheme of life.
      I mean the most petty shit imaginable.
      Just pathetic.
      I wanted to beat the shit out of my sister for treating a dude like that. It ain’t right.
      The dude was actually cool as fuck and she was destroying his soul.
      It was nuts for real.

    6. gunslingergregi says:

      What was more incredible is the dude didn’t leave. I just didn’t get it.
      Why would a man accept that kind of abuse?
      It just doesn’t register.
      Maybe he liked it lol

    7. gunslingergregi says:

      She did take my advice though eventually cause obviously not with right guy.
      She doesn’t act like that with actual dominant dudes she acts like a woman.

    8. jeff says:

      When a woman marries, she usually starts trying to establish dominance over her husband. Women have always done this but in past times they didn’t usually get far because husbands had a prepondrance of power: they could throw their wives out, cut their spending, sometimes even punish them physically. That’s changed all now, good in many ways, but it makes the struggles for dominance more protracted and more vicious. When marrying the average woman a man’s choices will be: fight her continuously for dominance, meaning angry scenes and continuing emotional exhaustion and likely early divorce OR give in to her demands, one at a time. The demands may not seem that important individually but each surrender will lead to more demands and eventually to her contempt for you and also to divorce though somewhat delayed.

      It is very difficult to come home from a stressful career involving a lot of interpersonal conflict (as do most important jobs) and face a continuing dominance struggle at home which is one reason too many men give in too easily.

      But the best thing to do is choose a woman who is not all about seeking power in the relationship.

    9. PA says:

      a man’s choices will be: fight her continuously for dominance, meaning angry scenes and continuing emotional exhaustion and likely early divorce

      I disagree because there is no symmetry between men and women; there is complementarity. Unless you marry a mannish outlier, most women don’t actually want to win the dominance contest. They will push the man, test him, but if they feel a reassuringly solid presence in him, they will settle into a happy contentment.

      Counterintuitively to those unacquainted with Game, a woman will escalate her bitchiness when the man yields to her earlier tests. His subsequent attempts at continued appeasement will then provoke more aggressionon her part; and if he’s deep enough in the hole, his efforts at re-establishing hand will be incongruent withwhat she’s used to, and will also trigger fighte.

      So the best course of action is to pass her tests early on.

    10. jeff says:

      PA, I think whatever the “natural” level of women seeking to win the dominance contest might be, it has been greatly increased by media, education, conversations with other women, etc. So they are not unusual and won’t always settle into happy contentment at the first pushback or even at continuing pushback.

      Observe interactions between couples who look like they’ve been married a while, in any large metro area (especially on the coasts) and who appears to be taking the dominant role. Quite different in smaller towns.

    11. BobW says:

      I have this problem with the story of the old time submissive woman. I don’t think it was ever real.

      What I do think is that with the division of labor came a division of authority. A couple would pass the baton back and forth, both in the relay-race sense and the orchestral.

      Now that roles are less clear cut, there is more scope for conflict.

    12. dana says:

      bob agreed,

      but remember–girls used to go right from their father’s home to their husband’s. they didn’t go through an “independent” period where they did EVERYTHING for themselves and made all the decisions. i think this causes a lot of conflict by the time a man and a woman cohabit

    13. PA says:

      girls used to go right from their father’s home to their husband’s. they didn’t go through an “independent” period

      That “independent period” is known in scientific circles as “The Butthex Desouling Window.”

    14. David Collard says:

      My wife never went through an “independent period”. She went straight from her parents’ house to mine. She was studying at university, but living at home.

      As for staring at you, one of the things Cecilia (aka Alte) said on her old blog was that a woman should never stare at her husband. Look at him briefly, in the eyes, and look away. I thought it was a bit weird, but she had a point. A woman who stares at her man, in the eyes, and maintains the stare is sending a challenge. Basic primate behaviour.

      A woman who wants to live with a dominant man needs to learn to do little placatory things to keep him happy.

    15. David Collard says:

      “Game” is good. I “gamed” my wife right down from a bad mood last night. Don’t let her demand, make her request. Make her say “please”. Ignore her a bit. Make her repeat herself. All this takes the edge off. If she makes a threat to withdraw some service, ignore it. It is just a try-on.

      Women are not really that hard to deal with – if you know what you are doing. Young men should get lessons in this stuff. The tragedy is that they don’t. The advice they get is mostly from the media, and it is mostly wrong.

    16. gunslingergregi says:

      ”””””But the best thing to do is choose a woman who is not all about seeking power in the relationship.”””””

      Exactly the best woman is one who seeks to have the relationship be powerfull and the rest will follow or not but even with not at least you have a good time lol

    17. aoefe says:

      Dana this is a direct quote from my comment to LSB.

      “Also you will have to look closely at your own behavior and see if any of it is warranted.”

      I wrote this prior to your post I believe. Some men are ‘little’ men and can only feel better by putting others down, other man are being pushed and needing to assert hand. There is a difference. Is he a real man is the question I want her to ask.

      That said a lot of what you write is true. Women are challanging men for power in the home. In my online dating profile I say clearly I’m a leader at work and have NO desire to be a leader in my home, not interested in a power struggle. I think this freaks men out truthfully. The men who respond have earned some respect just for not being scared off. haha.

    18. Renee says:

      When a man behaves this way it is because YOU are vying with him for dominance.

      How do you know? Maybe she is part of the problem (hence the multiple engagments and instances of male anger). But what you should be aware of is that there are instances of men acting out the list because they have issues and may indeed be red flags of abuse.

      When did she say that she was even arguing like a man?

      but remember–girls used to go right from their father’s home to their husband’s. they didn’t go through an “independent” period where they did EVERYTHING for themselves and made all the decisions. i think this causes a lot of conflict by the time a man and a woman cohabit

      Honestly, I’m glad it’s not like that anymore. I think that many times a woman having an independent period is a good thing. That means she has the chance of learning about financial matters, how to take care of herself, figure out what she wants out of life, etc., not to mention getting a job and earning her own cash to be put to the side. That way, if she’s married she won’t be utterly dependent on her husband for single thing and she pretty much figured out for the most part her plan for her life.

      Keep in mind that this is the idea scenerio.

    19. dana says:

      renee

      i dont know, thats why i footnoted at the bottom that my comments werent so much intended to discuss lsb specific situation but that they provided me a springboard

      and no i dont think “some men are just like that” i think they are ALWAYS responding to defiant women

      • Renee says:

        Well I’m going to have to disagree. There are many people in the world that become angry at the smallest thing. It happens with men and women.

        I’m sure that there are instances where being defiant means simply having a differing opinion or disagreeing with something. Something small and minor.

    20. Reflective Roger says:

      There’s a lot to be said for a woman who is a leader at work and takes the opposite tack at home. Imagine her crisply leading and subtly dominating a group of high-ranking business associates***then coming home, taking the dominance off along with her dress, and submitting sweetly and totally. Pretty hot for a guy..and, I’d imagine, for her too. And a woman like that is going to be less inclined to squabble about day to day trivia than are many.

      • aoefe says:

        ” Pretty hot for a guy..and, I’d imagine, for her too.”

        Totally.

        “And a woman like that is going to be less inclined to squabble about day to day trivia than are many.”

        True.

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