“Closure” is self defeating

AL in my first posts comments wrote:

right, so back on the whole:
– getting together/breaking up/getting together/how it all got sorted
– no contact rule & reasoning
– why ‘closure’ is lame and potentially relationship defeating

This arose over at Aoefe’s blog http://sexliestruth.blogspot.com/ we were discussing “closure” and i wrote:

Anonymous dana said

i have to wonder how many budding relationships have been nipped prematurely in the bud by this silly female need for “closure” like i told you before, my husband and i broke up several times before becoming official gf/bf, some with real breakups, some with contact dwindling etc–if i had pushed for “closure” with some big talk–would we have gotten back together that final time that because permanent?

here’s an instructional video on how NOT to let your “hamster” as they call it in the Roissy-sphere destroy a budding relationship! watch as this girl’s control freak need to know what’s going on ruins her life

This is exactly what i’m talking about–they aren’t  married–he’s just a “boyfriend”–they don’t even live together, yet she is ginning up an obligation on his part that DOESN’T EXIST YET and running off a cliff with it!

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14 Responses to “Closure” is self defeating

  1. Laikastes says:

    Let’s see, self-centered, driven purely by emotion, vindictive, incapable of exercising any self-control – seems like your average young American female to me.

  2. Laikastes says:

    Fucking moderation

  3. dana says:

    i think i turned off moderation–sorry!

  4. dana says:


    hi and thanks for stopping by!

    yes, she is atrocious–but what’s the real problem here?

    undefined, ambiguous, liminal sexual relationships are causing differing and in fact COMPETING sets of expectations to arise in men and women once they have sex

    truth is, this woman had no real claim on this man, they didn’t even live together–the mere fact of a sexual relationship gave her the rights of a wife in her mind–the RIGHT of communication–because she had the same feelings a wife would when he appeared to disappear even though she didn;t have that relationship

    this is a really untenable situation

  5. Rod says:

    Good luck with this. You’re one of the reasons I even bother looking at the comments over at Roissy. Look forward to reading it. That is all.

  6. aoefe says:

    I gotta say I’m thankful to you for giving me great advice (along with a kick in the pants). The no contact thing and keeping my dignity/self-respect intact has been instrumental in allowing me to walk straight. Now, I never would have done crap like the woman in the video, but I would have likely been seen as needy if I’d let my emotionals rule the contact I had with him.

  7. al says:

    Well, I half pulled a closure talk in that I ended the romantic part of our relationship, but I stuck to big picture things, and stayed out of the weeds. All very nice and congenial and “mature”.

    Of course, now, half the time I burn with the need to bitch about all the little things that had driven me to that point. I have resisted bc: a. the relationship is over, so no point, and b. it could lead to ugliness or foreclose future. BUT THE URGE IS SO STRONG. Ahem. From ladies I am use to everyone telling us to let it all out, spill, share, close. So I wanted to hear some thoughts of why it seemed like a poor thing to do, to have that ‘closure’ conversation where you explain ad nauseum all the little things that were wrong.

    The no contact thing is hard. On the one hand, you heal better without it, on the other you have emotional and friendship ties on both sides. I’m aiming now for more limited contact, I can’t quite see foreclosing all.

  8. Katherine says:

    Hmm, this is fake. Anyone who goes to Europe can go to an internet cafe and for 50 cents use the internet for an hour. Internet cafes are everywhere. If they were in a real relationship, they would have exchanged a few emails over the course of two weeks.

    But yeah, if this is true, she’s a nutjob.

    However I still call bs on this.

  9. al says:

    Ok, assuming you have auto-notice-email thing on, and seeing as this is an old thread, are you open for more lady-shop love-romance advice, along the lines of closure v. no-closure advice? I ask, because I am not sure how interested you are in these subjects, and clearly I have a Q.

  10. dana says:

    sure ask here

  11. al says:

    So: break up (the whole ‘I want more’ convo, short and nice and not bitter; this was not proceeded by extensive convos on it, as our stances were previously understood). Month later I agree to dinner. Part of the convo, a request from him to take a weekend out of town to discuss: 1, my interest/belief/whatever in more and 2, his reasons for his position. Admittedly, it is half a request for me to change his mind, and half maybe a closure convo (to lead to friendship). This does sound like emotional manipulation, but I don’t so.
    What do you think, falls your no closure area, or more towards on-off-again nature of some relationships, or what?

  12. dana says:

    he wants to bang you again

  13. al says:

    well, of course. There are probably easier ways to get to that though.

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