Advice for Women on Prematurely Initiating a “Talk”

Commenter AI asked in the Comments:

So: break up (the whole ‘I want more’ convo, short and nice and not bitter; this was not proceeded by extensive convos on it, as our stances were previously understood). Month later I agree to dinner. Part of the convo, a request from him to take a weekend out of town to discuss: 1, my interest/belief/whatever in more and 2, his reasons for his position. Admittedly, it is half a request for me to change his mind, and half maybe a closure convo (to lead to friendship). This does sound like emotional manipulation, but I don’t so.
What do you think, falls your no closure area, or more towards on-off-again nature of some relationships, or what?

 

I wrote back:

He wants to bang you again

but seriously…

There is no way to determine whether your insistence upon “discussing” your relationship caused it to end.  This is a control freak tendency among women who seek always to define things with WORDS and not actions.  He was likely thinking “I’m HERE with you…what else do you want?”. 

If you WANT this relationship to continue I suggest taking the weekend and REFUSING TO DISCUSS YOUR RELATIONSHIP AT ALL EVEN IF HE TRIES TO BRING IT UP!  Tell him you just want HIM to relax and have fun and enjoy his company and then BE FUN.  You have to make yourself indispensable to a man–he has to see you as NOT FUNGIBLE with every other woman on earth.  You can accomplish this by letting go of your female needs that are inimical to his nature, by being sweet, making him feel significant in a world that may be always trying to tear him down.  Take the weekend to make yourself his OASIS,  not an added source of work and pressure.  This is a GIANT MISTAKE women make–men’s lives are hard, why are you ADDING pressure to that?

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10 Responses to Advice for Women on Prematurely Initiating a “Talk”

  1. al says:

    Get what you’re saying, and I certainly try similarly. However, he asked to me somewhere for the purposes of communicating/discussion; I tried to avoid having this conversation at all! (yes banging me may have also been brought up, but not as his sole motivation.) (and perhaps he resorted to it because I’ve been avoiding hanging out with him, thus no banging.)

    You were suppose to advise on if he brings up and pushes relationship type talks if I can have them, not discuss women not forcing them! Poo.

  2. aoefe says:

    I’m with Dana. Even though he ‘wants’ to talk relationship, he wants to bang you. He figures you want to talk relationship and this is his hook. When he brings it up, change gears. Have a great time on your weekend away – that’s the sole goal. Oh and ya…bang him.

  3. dana says:

    i did, i told you not to talk to him about it. men dont want to do that–they do it to manipulate women, just like you brought it up to manipulate him. use the time to make him not want to live without you–thats my advice–im aspy, i dont value jaw jaw jaw, i value act act act and what works works works

    • al says:

      hmmm, alright. I’ll ponder, since in this instance that seems counter-intuitive, but no one ever said I had the intuition.
      haven’t agreed to go, of course.

      • Brit says:

        If you want him, go! Have some fun, put away your fears/issues and make a good time of it. Chances are, once you have done that, you will know exactly what you want and what he wants.
        ( If you don’t want him, don’t go.)

  4. PA says:

    Take the weekend to make yourself his OASIS, not an added source of work and pressure. This is a GIANT MISTAKE women make–men’s lives are hard, why are you ADDING pressure to that?

    Eloquent words. Really beautiful in their direct simplicity.

    Though if you don’t mind unasked-for advice, the emphasis-caps (similar ot OneSTDV’s use of bold) are a distraction if they appear more than once in a post.

    Re your query to Tupac: I believe he’s in his mid/late 20s, so you probably didn’t hang with in the Philly harcore scene. Speaking of which, would you mind writing a description of that sometime?

  5. dana says:

    pa,

    ty for advice on caps–i am wayyyyyy more verbal than literary and i guess im always trying to capture how i would say what im writing to convey my personality–ill try to abstain

    truth is i have very few personal memories, i believe as a function of aspy type mind–which is a post in itself, so while a post like that would be fun it would be difficult for me to do–if it isnt one of a handful of stories i told 1000 times i dont really remember it. gavin mcginnis at taki mag is exactly my age and appears to have come from the same experience as me, ill tell you one thing it was NOT a liberal/lefty thing–even though they infiltrated it–natch, it was wayyyy more informed by anarcho capitalism (DIY ethic) and skinheads than anything associated with the left. it was great great fun though and im sure nothing like it exists now that all forms of youthful expression have been culture vultured to the hilt

  6. Doug1 says:

    There were a lot of things my ex wife did wrong, mostly in the sexual area, but there were things she did really right. We were emotionally very close until the last year despite her Catherine MacKinnon type sexual beliefs revealed to me only after marrying her and very different from when I was dating her. She created this world in which she acted as though I was incredibly great for her, in some ways and cases irrationally so. I’d guess she learned this from her mother, who when I met her had become a Jewish beach ball, very obese, but was still very feminine and upbeat, and adoring of her husband. My ex wife in contrast and despite the (probably usually right) trope of look at her mother, was always svelt.

    I’m not being very articulate about this world she created but she definitely made me feel like I was more highly valued by her than by anyone else. This probably was the main thing that keep me with her for as long as I was despite her sexual frigidity for anything other than semi lesbian sex. I wonder if she actually was gay. Don’t know.

  7. LVD says:

    “There is no way to determine whether your insistence upon “discussing” your relationship caused it to end. This is a control freak tendency among women who seek always to define things with WORDS and not actions. He was likely thinking “I’m HERE with you…what else do you want?”.

    Disagree. Unless a verbal agreement (word is bond) is made between a couple regarding exclusivity, both parties are free to date other people. So if 1 of the 2 wants to get exclusive, there has to be a “talk” – otherwise all bets are off.

    Many men these days assume if you date them for a few months that you aren’t dating anyone else. But until a verbal agreement is reached (again, word is bond), why would anyone assume that?

    So she was right in NOT assuming that he was seeing only her. In order to get clear-cut exclusivity from him she needed to talk.

    If you don’t want the relationship to go exclusive and you want to seeing other people simultaneously, keep your options open or test the waters, then of course there’s no need for “the talk” at all.

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